lylithj2 (lylithj2) wrote in spn_crackfic,
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Random Excerpts from Uncle Bobby’s Personal Advice Column

Title: Random Excerpts from Uncle Bobby’s Personal Advice Column
Author: lylithj2
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Sam/Dean, mentions of Wincest
Warnings: Spoilers for Season 5, crack, Very short crossover to Dr. Who and Farscape
Summary: So I confessed to my BFF since 9th grade that I was writing fic. He confessed he’s written Buffy fic and that he loved doing the advice column. I told him I was so totally stealing that, but would give him credit. He said cool.




Random Excerpts from Uncle Bobby’s Personal Advice Column

July 1999

Dear Uncle Bobby:

It’s my boys, Uncle Bobby. I’m worried. Since my youngest turned 16, I’ve seen him looking at my oldest…like I use to look at their mother…

For now, my oldest, he seems oblivious. But what if this isn’t just a crush? What the hell should I do?

Signed,
Bad Dad

Yah Damn Idjit,

You just NOW noticed??? I’ve seen the way Sam looks at Dean for the last two years!!! You’re damn right, you’re a bad dad!!!

I’ve told you for years now, to settle down and let those boys be around other people!!! I even gave you Flowers in the Attic to read!!!

This is your own damn, fault, John and I got nothing to help you with it now.

~UB


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December 2003

Dear Uncle Bobby:

I am deeply in love with my brother. I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?

Signed,
College Dropout

Yah Damn Idjit,

It’s taken you this long to get to this point?

Anyways, he feels the same way about you; anyone with half a brain can see it. I told your damn daddy over and over again to settle down and get other people around both of you, but he’s a damn fool.

So just tell Dean and for God’s sake, don’t ever do anything with each other in my house.

~UB


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

January 2004

Dear Uncle Bobby:

I am in love with a Time Lord, called the Doctor. Or rather, the last Time Lord. He’s amazing! The adventures we have; his humor and smart English good looks have swept me off my feet!

What can I do to ensure we are together forever?

Signed,
Assistant number 213


Yah Damn Idjit,

Looking at what number “Assistant” you are, looks like this Doc goes through more girls then Dean did waiting for Sam to wake up.

Sorry lady, you can’t make a guy like that settle down. Plus, you know how the BBC runs through actors and shows, you’ll be cut soon…Just be glad they recycle them like the damn CW does here.

~UB


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

February 2004

Dear Uncle Bobby:

OMG!!! I’m so in love with my baby brother! He told me he felt the same way, and we’ve been having the hottest gay sex ever since then! It’s what I’ve always been looking for and never knew it!

But it’s so wrong! I know I should tell him we have to stop but I can’t… I don’t know what to do.

Signed,
Too Sexy for My Own Good

Yah Damn Idjit,

Goddamn it, boy! I don’t wanna hear this!

I told your brother it was fine, just keep it out of MY HOUSE!

~UB


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

August 2004

Dear Uncle Bobby:

My name is John Crichton, an astronaut. A radiation wave hit and I got shot through a wormhole. Now I'm lost in some distant part of the universe on a ship, a living ship, full of strange alien life forms. Help me.

Signed,
Cancelled Before Its Time!

Yah Damn Idjit,

Why the hell do all you science fiction people keep writing in? This is a horror column, damn it!

Look, I don’t know how you get back here to earth, but that lady on the ship with you is hot. The two of you in all that black leather is almost as hot as two broken brothers driving around in a ‘67 Impala together.

So try and just make the best of it son.

~UB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 2009

Dear Uncle Bobby:

Even since I got back from hell, I think my brother has been sneaking off and drinking demon blood. Since he told me about sleeping with Ruby, we haven’t been making love anymore.

Should I confront him again?

Signed,
Hurt

Yah Damn Idjit,

Can’t you two knuckleheads keep out of trouble?

I’ve told you I don’t want to hear what you and Sam are or are not doing to each other too!

You’re gonna have to deal with this again. Try not to be a dick about it either. And for God’s sake, DO NOT do one of those dramatic tears and then call him a monster. He will kick your ass, if you do!

~UB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May 2009

Dear Uncle Bobby:

I’m currently attempting to destroy the relationship between two brothers. I desperately need this in order to bring about Armageddon, so we angels can return home. Do you know of any weakness of which I could prey upon?

Also, in a couple of months, I will need advice on how to manipulate a certain older brother into becoming a vessel for an archangel. Any thoughts on that?

Signed,
Why Aren’t I as Hot as Cas

Yah Damn Idjit,

There is no way in hell I’m helping you with any of that, you dick!

~UB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 2009

Dear Uncle Bobby:

I went to the clinic, but I still don’t feel “right” since that warlock gave me the clap.

What should I do?

Signed,
ITWASNTMYFAULT

Yah Damn Idjit,

You need a booster, boy! Get your ass back there right now!
And be damn glad your brother was old and busted at the time, and couldn’t get his hands on Viagra or else you’d both be going.

~UB


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

October 2009

Dear Uncle Bobby:

I am secretly in love with a man I am supposed to be helping stop the Apocalypse. He’s so hot and so broken. I know that if I can just get him to notice me, we’d be happy together. What should I do?

Signed,
Moody Angel

Yah Damn Idjit,

How come everyone always has the hots for Dean? Sam’s pretty damn awesome since he finished growing and got ripped around the time Dean came back from Hell!

Anyways Cas, you are barking up the wrong tree. Even if Dean’s mad at Sam right now, he only has eyes for that boy.

I suggest you find some Cas/Dean slash on the internet and take care of yourself, if you know what I mean. There are some fangirls that think you and Dean should be together but that ain’t gonna happen here. This is posted on “Keep it in the Family” for a reason!

~UB


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December 2009

Dear Uncle Bobby:

I’m about to go crazy waiting for the next episode of SPN. I’ve watched the preview for Sam Interrupted about a hundred times. I’m writing slash constantly! I read slash constantly! I’ve read all the spoilers I could find! I CAN’T STAND IT until January 21st!!!!

Do you think there are 12 step programs for SPN?

Also, do you know how to post in a community so that you can link directly back to your journal after a cut? I’ve asked several people including Support and have read FAQ several times, but I can’t seem to make it work. I just want someone to show me exactly what they post on a community, so I can just copy and paste and insert my own title and links.

Signed,
LylithJ2

Yah Damn Idjit,

First of all, you need to get a life outside of work. Get your ass back in school and get your doctorate instead of playing on the internet!

Secondly, you know they had to catch up on making SPN and break for the holidays! That’s pretty damn selfish of you, denying those poor boys AND ME a break!

Finally, if you can’t figure out how to post correctly, maybe you should get
HTML for Dummies,you idjit ! Stop begging for help within your own damn fics, if you can even call this a fic!

~UB
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